Sometimes it just feels impossible. Book, no book, book, no book. It feels strange that it has been a year and a half or so since Toxemia came out. The strange after feeling of writing book, waiting for book, launching book, reading from book. Then there is just book. Extant.
This was a distinctly more vulnerable process than my other two books and the experience of reading from the memoir was much more painful. I generally find readings enjoyable (not the before/after social bits which feel terrifying but the reading of things aloud) but this felt more like launching myself off a cliff each time. I could still feel the feedback from the give/take with the audience but it was more tiring. Fire took longer to catch.
I’m grateful for the positive feedback that I received from some folks who read it and the reviewers that took the time to read it and to share their thoughts. Beyond grateful to my publisher and my editor and my early readers who helped nurse it to being. I’m grateful to other people for sharing their own frustrations and stories relating to mood, the medical system, birth.
But I can’t help but feel like I’m a disappointment. I say I rather than it because it feels as though it cost quite a lot to write it and then put it forward. There are vulnerabilities there that still feel raw and I fret them. I worry whether the cost balanced the benefit. I don’t mean financially or by response. But whether I’ve disequilibrated an internal system. Did I try hard enough? Or too hard? Maybe I didn’t do enough to make it worth it. Maybe I should’ve waited till the kids were older.
I suspect that won’t be my final feeling on it. Maybe it’s too soon to calculate what it means or doesn’t. I suspect I’m not paying attention to my own lessons and maybe that’s just because it’s winter and I’m tired. Maybe it’s being 47 instead of 39 like I was when Charm was published. Is it a problem of mirrors or a problem of shadows? Not sure. I will be in my 50s at the very earliest if I ever publish another book. But I’d have to find the brain underneath all the other things I have to do in order to complete one. I’d have to carve time and there is so little.
All that to say that I do take it to heart when people said something kind to me about Toxemia or any of my books. And I need to make more of an effort to reach out to others when their work impacts me. I’ve been reading much more this past year though much of it has been non-fiction or books designed to distract. Writing retreat is likely not in the cards anytime soon. The work feels impossible.
Links of no particular order or meaning:
My better brain suggests spending more time reading this or similar things: https://shanders-red-eye.beehiiv.com/p/microdosing-residencies. Spouse is very good at writing during ringette practice.
I had fun in Nova Scotia in the fall. I was pleased to see friends and family that I hadn’t seen in a long time and it was odd to be reading at the BAC which looked much the same as during my undergrad. I wrote a small something for the anniversary of estuary, the students arts magazine. Celebrating 25 years. PDF of the most recent issue: https://english.acadiau.ca/files/sites/english/2025-2026/estuary%20Fall%202025%20Final%20for%20Printer.pdf
Did you know there are different types of frost? I love them. https://www.its.caltech.edu/~atomic/snowcrystals/frost/frost.htm
https://www.rmets.org/metmatters/types-frost
This song gets tripping through my head far too often: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvXqPbi9fjg&list=RDMvXqPbi9fjg&start_radio=1
Recognized an altered tune in Bridgerton as this one which tweaked memories of when my playlists were all or nothing. The face burns for late twenties me. : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwiNZNJxTN8&list=RDGwiNZNJxTN8&start_radio=1
CHRISTINE MCNAIR 